


You Sir, Are An Ass

by EmmaWasRight



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:58:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6690643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaWasRight/pseuds/EmmaWasRight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy wants Steve, Steve wants Darcy. Neither one of them can communicate (apparently), Natasha wants to interfere but has promised that she won't, Johnny Storm knows a good thing when he sees it and asks Darcy out, she says yes, mild angst ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Corny lines

Darcy Lewis was not drunk. She may have downed several shots of vodka, but she was dead sober. All she wanted to do was forget about a certain Super Soldier who didn’t acknowledge her existence, but no she couldn’t, because apparently Nat’s excellent vodka was dysfunctional. Or maybe Nat had watered it down, Darcy was no lightweight, but she had had enough that she should be feeling something. She glared at the redhead sitting across the floor from her in the Stark Tower common room and decided to find out. 

“J’accuse! Natasha Romanoff I accuse you of watering down this vodka. I am not nearly as drunk as I’d like to be.” (Here the author would like to note that someone has to be at least mildly intoxicated to accuse a Russian spy-assassin of watering down vodka, but that’s just my opinion.)

Natasha simply raised an eyebrow, smirked and finished her glass.

“Oh no Nat-Nat, don’t you try to seduce your way out of this. I want to get plastered and you are supposed to help. That’s what friends do. They don’t water down your drinks and then smirk at you when you figure it out.”

“And why do you want to get plastered Kotyonok*?”

“Why does anyone? To forget, to lose oneself, to not deal with the shitstorm that is life.”

“That is the most negative thing I have ever heard you say. What’s bothering you, you seemed to be having a good time earlier.”

Earlier had been an impromptu Stark party. The Avengers and the Fantastic Four had just defeated the villain of the week and everyone got together to let off a little steam with those who had an understanding of how the others might feel. Darcy had been invited because she was family and after a radioactive koala attack (yes, seriously) you wanted to be with family. Darcy had been enjoying herself, hanging out with everyone, staring at Steve whenever she thought she could get away with it, dancing and just being merry standing at the bar when Johnny Storm approached her. Darcy had met him once before, but he spent the whole introduction doing a piss-poor job of surreptitiously staring at her boobs, she hadn’t been very impressed. 

“Hi, Darcy right?” He leaned on the counter right next to her, “Tell me, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?”

“Enough to break the ice” Darcy smiled despite herself and turned towards him “how often do you use that line?”

Johnny smiled wide and laughed “First time ever was tonight, figured I’d use it on the hottest person in the room besides me.”

“Is that right?” Darcy was chuckling as well now. “Flattery Mr. Storm will get you nowhere.”

“I happen to know a great little coffee shop called Nowhere, I’d love to take you there some time.”

That man was too smooth for his own good, but Darcy was enjoying the back and forth.

“Are you asking me out on a date? You, Johnny ‘different woman every night’ Storm are asking me out for coffee.”

“Aw, you can’t believe everything you read in the press. I’m not that bad, it’s just a rep I’m stuck with. I swear I want nothing more than to caffeinate you and talk. If it leads to a pants off dance-off so be it.”

“Here I was so tempted to say yes, and then you mentioned the pants.”

“We can have a pants on dance off too – I just want to get to know you. I swear”

Johnny looked so sincere, and Darcy hadn’t been on a date in forever. Of course she wanted to date someone else, but Darcy was tired of wanting what she couldn’t have. There was an imperfectly decent guy asking her out, why shouldn’t she say yes. Even if they ended up sleeping together it would probably be pretty good, plus it would give her vibrator the night off.

“Pick me up tomorrow at 3.”

“Seriously? That’s a yes, awesome!”

He then high-fived her, fist pumped and moonwalked away from her while doing finger guns. It was the dorkiest thing ever and Darcy loved it. 

“Darcy! Darcy! Earth to Darcy!”

Darcy shook herself out of her reverie. “What? Did I miss something?”

“I asked what was bothering you and you just spaced out.”

“Oh, sorry. Maybe you didn’t water this down as much as I thought you did. I’m fine, mostly. It’s just… I said yes to a date with Johnny Storm.”

“And that’s why you want to get plastered? If you want to get out of it, just say so. What did he do, corner you somewhere? Blackmail you?” Natasha noticed someone half enter the room from the corner of her eye. She turned and frowned at Steve who made a hasty retreat, but she knew he was right outside listening in. 

“Nothing like that, he was actually really cute and funny and I should be excited about this, it’s just…” Darcy started to tear up, it was really unfair that she wasn’t more excited about the date.

“He’s not who you want.” Natasha huffed inwardly. Her friends are idiots she thought, but she had promised Clint that she wouldn’t interfere in this situation. Why she had promised, she’ll never fully understand. Something about letting people have a modicum of control over their own lives. 

“How did you know that? I have every reason to go out with Johnny. The person I want doesn’t even acknowledge me. And I should be excited for tomorrow and I’m not completely, and it’s all spangly-pants’ fault, and it’s not fair to Johnny and it’s not fair to me, and you just feel ignored for long enough… and it’s just nice to feel special sometimes” The tears had now started in earnest, in fact Darcy was now blubbering. Natasha hoped Steve heard this and felt like the heel that he was. 

“It is wonderful to feel special and appreciated and Rogers has is head up his ass if he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. You deserve to be happy, go on the date tomorrow, have fun.” Trying to get Steve a bit jealous to incite him to action wasn’t interfering. Besides this was the kind of advice you gave a friend.

“But I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need no man. Going on this date seems like fraud.” Darcy was now blubbery and sleepy, Natasha knew she wouldn’t be awake for much longer. Emotional tolls can do that to a person.

“You don’t need no man, but you would like one. Go on the date, enjoy yourself, and see what it’s like to be the focus of someone’s attention. If you don’t like it, well we will come up with a plan.

A plan whereby she will forcibly remove one head from one serum enhanced sphincter.


	2. Beating Sense

Steve was punching the crap out of a poor defenseless boxing bag when Bucky found him. Two of its brethren were lying on the ground with their entrails pouring out.

“Okay punk, what’s up? You can’t be that mad that I’m better looking than you.” Bucky used his most annoying swagger. He knew his friend and he knew what the problem was. It was time he let that out. Keeping all those feelings in wasn’t healthy; at least according to Sam and his therapist.

“Fuck off Bucky." Steve put a little more strength into his punch and watched in satisfaction as the leather split a bit. 

“Physically impossible, others have tried. Now you can either talk about it or you keep being a stubborn ass and we can try and beat the shit out of each other.” Bucky was done with even pretending to be unaware of the issues.

“Option 2. Get in the ring.” 

Bucky smirked and started to wrap his hands. “Fine with me boy-o, let’s see what that serum did for you.”

The two friends got into the ring and started going at it, Steve with far more alacrity than Bucky. Usually Steve pulls his punches a bit when they spar, he’d never admit to it, but he does. Bucky was having fun getting some real fighting in. In fact, they were starting to draw a crowd.

Steve could hear people taking bets and the odds were apparently against him. He wasn’t having it today. Today he was going to win.

“Finally you aren’t holding back, what’s the bee that got in your bonnet? Or, instead of bee should I say flaming super?” Bucky wasn’t holding back either, but he made the decision to antagonize Steve, both because it was fun and because eventually it would force him to have a breakthrough. At least that’s what Bucky hoped.

Steve decided that boxing wasn’t enough. He was adding legs.

“Focus on the fight, never mind me,” Steve grumbled almost inaudibly. Luckily Bucky had super hearing. Clint just read Steve’s lips and relayed the message to the others.

“Naw, I don’t think so. Beating me won’t stop your girl from going out with fire boy.”

“I don’t have a girl, and I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He feigned left and got a solid kick to Bucky’s spleen. Some of the odds in the betting changed. 

“Sure you don’t punk, but that doesn’t change the fact that you have no right to be mad. You could have rationed that girl off months ago,but you did nothing and now she’s finally moving on. She doesn’t owe you anything.” Bucky tried to kick Steve’s legs out from underneath him, which was met with only mild success. He followed it up with a right hook to Steve’s jaw and that knocked him down. They grappled on the mat for a bit, Bucky was victorious. He sat on Steve’s chest nearly cutting off his breath while he dropped his truth bomb.

“You snooze you lose. Figure your shit out, we can’t have you unfocused like this. You go into the field this distracted and one of us could die. So let me repeat myself: FIGURE. YOUR. SHIT. OUT.”

Bucky got up and bowed to their audience and smirked at all the money changing hands. Beating sense into his friend was a last resort, but this qualified as that.

Steve slowly sat up and just stayed on the mat thinking. He didn’t know how long he was there, but it was long enough for him to realize that Bucky was right. He was endangering the team, and that’s why he had to get over Darcy. Let her have her happiness with Johnny, he was better for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter today. I'm working on chapter 3 which will be far more fluffy. 
> 
> You guys can find me on tumblr where I also go by EmmaWasRight
> 
> And here's the link to the post that started all of this: http://glynnisi.tumblr.com/post/130904774140/my-dash-just-asked-for-these-to-be-put-together


	3. Caffeine is Ambrosia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a coffee date.

“How do I look?” Darcy faced Jane. They were in Darcy’s apartment in Stark Tower and Jane was sitting cross-legged on her comfortable couch clutching one of Darcy’s many pillows on her lap. 

“Great, you’ll have him burning up for you.” Jane giggled like a little girl, this was just too much fun. 

“Really Jane? Another fire pun? How many do you have left?” Darcy wasn’t really exasperate, she was pretty impressed. Jane had managed to fit a new pun in about every 10 minutes since this morning. 

“I’ve been around my fair share of fires and explosions lately. I’ve got a million of ‘em. Ordinarily I keep them in reserve for Tony.” The woman had a point. Jane might not always notice when Tony blows something up, but when she did she was excellent at giving one liners. Tony generally never noticed them, and if he did he figured that they were just happenstance, but Darcy knew better and typically ended up coughing to cover her laugh. 

“You look great though, dressier than every day, but not overly dressed up.” Jane nodded approvingly. “Perfect for a hot coffee date. ba-dum-tss!” she air drummed, because how could she not?

Darcy rolled her eyes at Jane’s antics, but she wasn’t even slightly irritate. She was having a grand old time prepping for this. Jane was being silly and ridiculous and that went a long way into buoying her spirits and she was back to being excited about her date. She gave herself a once over, swiped on some lipstick and turned to Jane.

“Wish me luck!”

“You don’t need it, you’re awesome.”

“Thanks Janey! Love you,” and with that Darcy blew Jane a kiss and headed down to Stark Tower lobby.

Johnny was there at 3 on the dot and actually looked a little nervous which tickled Darcy to bits.

“Ready to go?” he asked  
“Nope, just standing here looking pretty for fun. Give me an hour to get ready and I’ll be good to go.”

He looked like he had just swallowed his tongue in shock, he started to sputter, “You look great, you don’t need to get changed, I mean you can do what you want, but…”

Darcy interrupted him, “I was just teasing you goof. I’m ready to go whenever you are. Geez, you can’t take me seriously all the time, where’s the fun in that?”

Johnny grinned and offered her his arm, “I should have known better, but I stand by what I said. You do look great.”

Darcy grabbed his arm, smiled up and at him and said “Thanks for the compliment Johnny. Now let’s grab that coffee and see if we can get on like a house on fire.”

\------

What was supposed to be a simple coffee date turned into a coffee and museum followed by a walk in the park, and a walk down 5th Avenue at night to see all the pretty buildings lit up date. 

Johnny walked Darcy to the tower lobby and was prepared to leave at that point when Darcy spoke up.

“Care to walk me to my door? Can’t be too safe in this big city, you never know who’s creeping around here.”

Considering this was probably the safest building on the Eastern Seaboard, Johnny highly doubted this she was in any danger, but who was he to deny such a request. 

“Lead on MacDuff.” He held out his hand to indicate that Darcy should precede him. He wasn’t expecting her to grab it and drag him to the elevator. 

“C’mon flame boy, I don’t want you to get lost.”

They held hands the whole way up to Darcy’s place and she couldn’t help but feel content and a little giddy. Today had gone better than she had anticipated. She really liked Johnny’s company. He was a weird mix of cocky, self-deprecating, intelligent, goofy and just generally really sweet. The doors opened on her floor and they exited the car. 

They got to her door and Darcy turned to him “Did you want to come in for a nightcap?”

“I am so very tempted, I had a great time tonight Darcy. I really want to get to know you better and take this slow. So for tonight no nightcap, but if you’ll let me, I’d like to kiss you goodnight.”

Darcy had never been asked for permission for a kiss before, she nodded her consent, unsure she could actually formulate words. Johnny placed one hand on her waist, and the other on the side of her face bringing her in for the softest kiss she had ever had. She closed her eyes and leaned into it hoping he would deepen the kiss, he got her message and he nipped at her lower lip. Her toes curled and she hummed in contentment. Which was the exact moment she heard someone loudly clear their throat a few feet away from them. They stopped kissing and faced the newcomer.

Steve Rogers was standing there with a cross look on his face. “Some of us need to get by if you two could stop trying to swallow each other’s tonsils.”

Johnny ruefully laughed “Sorry about that man, please go by” and he stepped aside. 

Steve passed them and ‘accidentally’ nudged Johnny, he was satisfied to see the other man flinch. “Sorry about that, I’m a little clumsy sometimes. 

“Not a problem, happens to the best of us.” Johnny turned back to Darcy and gave her another chaste kiss. “I think that’s my cue. I will definitely call you tomorrow.”

“You’d better.” Darcy opened her door and went into her place. Johnny headed to the elevator whistling a jaunty tune. They both missed Steve’s stormy expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank everyone for your amazing response to this story, it really means a lot to me. 
> 
> On a completely different not if you guys could send any fire puns my way I would greatly appreciate it. I'm running a little low.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to the lovely people of tumblr. Especially @glynnisi for the prompt and @bitchsince1976 for the Johnny Storm suggestion. 
> 
> * According to google Kotyonok means kitten in Russian


End file.
